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Justafan
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Idle Banter Collaboration Thread - Writers, post here!

ATTENTION! ATTENTION!

The idle banter project is now CLOSED. We've gotten all the initial submissions we need, and new volunteers are NO LONGER being accepted. This phase of the project can now be considered COMPLETE.

 

Hey, everybody! This thread is intended for everyone who signed up to work on writing Skywind's idle banter lines. You know who you are. While the previous thread was for writers to sign up, this thread is for the writers who have already signed up to post their progress and receive advice and recommendations from their fellow writers. 

 

THREAD INSTRUCTIONS FOR WRITERS:

Post all your work here. Don't worry if it's not perfect yet; in fact, it's almost better if you submit rough drafts to this thread so that we can all collaborate on how to improve it. I want every writer to take some time to read the work of the other writers, in order to get inspiration from those who are doing well and to provide friendly advice for those who still need a little work. This is a place of collaboration and working towards a common goal, so we will be reviewing each others' work in a civil manner. 

THREAD INSTRUCTIONS FOR NON-WRITERS:

Anyone is more than welcome to look at these writing samples and leave any advice they might have, but PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE do not clutter up the thread by parroting other peoples points or leaving nonconstructive comments. We want this to be as smooth an operation as possible, and your consideration would greatly help with this.

IMPORTANT THINGS FOR EVERYONE:

Here is another link to the idle banter signup sheet, just for reference. IF YOU ARE INTERESTED IN SIGNING UP, PLEASE DO SO IN THE OTHER THREAD, DESIGNATED AS "WRITERS NEEDED." This thread is for people to submit work, only, to avoid any unnecessary clutter.

https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/16hN5gE4Ynejy4-6rVBrL...

ALL THE WORK I HAVE RECEIVED AS OF THE CREATION OF THIS THREAD:

Attached to this post is all the work that has been submitted to me so far, just so we can have it all in one place. Be sure to give it all a solid read-through and leave any advice you may have!

Happy writing, everyone!

Edited by: Justafan on 08/20/2014 - 19:15
MrBleuGames
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I've only had time to read

I've only had time to read the first one ( very, very nice work by the way) and my updated version will be posted soon, and I will start writing a bunch next weekend when my semester ends. I will post my critiques for all posted works ASAP.

michaelstao
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Had posted updates on old

Had posted updates on old forum, but will here. Again thanks for the input.

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I read Ghorak Manor, and I

I read Ghorak Manor, and I have some notes

1."Damn, I think Creeper got into wine, I’m missing the best vintage"

    Change to "Damn, I think Creeper got into the wine, I’m missing the best vintage" (If "the" can be used once, it can be used twice)

2.“Work bums Creeper out… Why can’t Creeper just bang on Creeper’s drums?”

Creepers lines are too intelligent, Barbas or no Barbas. If a reference should be made, have him say, "where is master, master is never here. Only Orcs."

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Hey, michaelstao!

Hey, michaelstao! I only had time to read the Ald-ruhn Fighter's guild stuff, but looking good. Just a few notes after reading your work--please don't be offended, I just wanna help :)   1. Spelling (and punctuation). It's kinda important stuff is spelt right so that when people are reading for recordings they say it correctly. So Cyrodiil, Cammona Tong. 2. Tweaking :) Just for the sake of making the lines roll off the tongue a bit easier.  Ergnir's Solo Lines: Just thought the last of his solo lines could benefit from a word change from 'amidst' to 'afoot' maybe? Fits a bit better IMO.  Tralan's Solo Lines: 1st line could maybe be shortened to just "Adahorcil had it right...no trusting any deity", just as spoken thought is more incomplete in most cases. 2nd line-Bosmer attire->Bosmeri/Bosmeric attire? (Same with the conversation between Baradras and Percius) Conversations: Ergnir-Percius line 1-instead of 'By Skyrim', try something like in vanilla Skyrim, like 'By Ismir'. Nords seem to like that one :P. Also in his last line-'worrisome' could be better replaced by 'troublesome'? Ergnir-Tralan conversation: "..many urns of mead...men drinking..." maybe change this part to "...many urns of mead...well, men drinking..." (I love this conversation by the way! Made me laugh :D ) Baradras-Ergnir conversation: Nord->Nordic. As for the ebony ore, I am unsure if it is  readily available in Morrowind, as House Hlaalu/the Empire have a monopoly on ebony, if I recall correctly. They may be able to get some but I don't know. Leave it for now and hopefully someone can tell us :)   Apart from those little things, GREAT WORK!! Please do some more! :)

michaelstao
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Here is my new set of drafts-

Here is my new set of drafts- thanks Aurabelle for you insight! Will go and sign up for more when these are suitable.

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I decided I'd step in and

I decided I'd step in and write up some dialogue for Desele's House of Earthly Delights.  It's hard to write interesting dialogue for a place like this and flesh out the characters in a somewhat respectful and memorable way, and I wanted to make sure Desele's really stood out.

Kind of going against my own rules in this case by adding some player-greetings as well as idle banter, because the Dancers didn't have any, and I felt they needed to be properly fleshed out.

 

 

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Good day all!  Here is an

Good day all!  Here is an updated listing.  I'm a little brain dead.  I was only able to get the Argonian Mission completed.  Could someone give it a read and let me know if it makes any sense whatsoever ... It's not a ton, but I seem to have run out of ideas for this one. I'll upload again when I get more.  Thanks everyone!

Cheers!

Krys

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Looks good, Krys!

Looks good, Krys!

I would have some advice for your Argonian-speak, though. At the moment, there's two glaring things that stand out to me when reading many of these new lines:

First, for some reason they often seem to briefly shift into speaking like Yoda - an example is in On-Wan's lines, where she says, "Came to the Argonian Embassy to be free, this one did." I mean, yes, it makes sense grammatically and all, and could even be considered poetic, but it also happens to be an iconic Star Wars phrasing that could throw many, including myself, off the beat a little bit. Not a big deal, just slightly different wording/structure would be nice to avoid that confusion.

Second, and this is probably something you noticed as you were writing these, Argonian pronoun usage can make complex sentences confusing as all heck. At the moment, it sometimes is a little bit difficult to decipher who is being talked about in some of your lines, because you refer to the same person as "it," "this one," "healer," etc. all from the same speaker. The best way to avoid confusion is to only use one specific pronoun for character. Argonians will always refer to themselves as "this one" (An important note; I say "always," but of course you are free to bend the rules a little where you think it is fitting). They will usually refer to the people they are speaking to as "it." And they will typically refer to other, third parties as "that one" or "those ones." So, to avoid confusing who is being talked about, an Argonian should usually avoid addressing third parties as "it," or the person they are speaking to as "this one," etc. And, of course, Argonians can always use names and titles to describe people, to avoid over-using these pronouns and making things very hard to decipher.

Oh, and one more small thing. I don't know if Khajiits would ever be referred to as "two-legged cats." It sounds a little awkward to start off with, plus the fact that I can't recall any regular four-legged cats in Tamriel aside from Skyrim's sabrecats, which would probably seem rarer and more absurd to any Argonian than Khajiits themselves. That's just my thought, though, completely non-lore-based. I could be completely mistaken about that, in which case, ignore me.

Anyways, aside from those points, I really like these new lines! It's always nice seeing bland NPCs brought to life with fresh dialog. Especially well-written dialog! :)

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Thank you!  I wasn't really

Thank you!  I wasn't really happy with them at all, and a lot of this matches what I was thinking.  Gah, Argonians are a pain in the butt to write for ^_^.  I'll do a revamp and get it up as soon as I can.  Again, I really appreciate it.  Needed a new set of eyes on these and the additional explanation for the Argonian pronoun usage will be a HUGE help.

Edit: Okay, everyone ^_^ here is the first draft of changes to the Argonian Mission ... Justafan, I really lost it on this one, had to change a ton of "you" and "our" ... didn't even realize I'd done that.  Thanks again for the read.  Amazing what a new set of eyes can help you see.  Hopefully this makes more sense.  I'll try to get another set done today.

Cheers!

Krys

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Hey Krys, looking good! Keep

Hey Krys, looking good! Keep it up :)

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These are some very nice

These are some very nice improvements, Krys! I'm glad to see that you've got a much stronger grasp on the Argonian dialect now. Perhaps others may have some input, but at the moment, I'm quite pleased with what you have. I can't wait to see your writing for the Skyrim Mission!

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Good day all!  Here's another

Good day all!  Here's another update.  This one has the Skyrim Mission and East Empire Company spaces added.  Please give it a read and let me know any feedback.  I still have the  Imperial areas and the Misc. Street dwellers to finish, but I'm brain fried right now.  I'll get those up as soon as I can though.  Thank you!

Cheers!

Krys

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Nice work, Krys! I like this

Nice work, Krys! I like this new stuff! As always, though, I am honor-bound to point out at least a few things that I feel could use tweaking.

First and foremost, be wary, because some of these dialog exchanges are starting to get really lengthy. I can tell that you would be a good scriptwriter, because you have a knack for lengthy exposition and character development therein. However, you have to keep in mind that these are supposed to be very short exchanges that the player can run by and still catch most of it. Having too many long scenes between characters can get awkward and frankly a little tedious for most players to sit through, so we want to try and keep these dialogs to no more than four or five lines if we can help it. We want enough dialog to enhance the player's understanding of a character but not so much that it threatens to overwhelm the character, if that makes sense.

Also, on that note, try to avoid three-person conversations, as it is much harder to implement from a programming perspective. For the sake of easing the burdens of the people who actually have to put this stuff we're writing into the game, we want to steer clear of writing three-way exchanges like that of Briring, Ingokning, and Eiruki. That's an easy fix, though; Eiruki could just be speaking to one of them.

As for actual writing style and fluency: in this one, it's quite good. Most of the phrasing is smooth and comes off the tongue smoothly, and dialect is solid. One exchange that irked me a little, though, was the conversation between J'Zhirr and Okan-Shei. Maybe it was just the frequent repetition of the words "before" and "meal" in every line of that encounter, but it just seemed repetitive and clunky, as if the two were just parroting the same sentence back and forth, albeit slightly tweaked. I do like the concept of those lines, but you might want to see if you can trim down some of that repetition.

Sorry if this review is a bit of a setback; I realize this means you'll have to cut back on a lot of your scenes, which could potentially mean gutting a lot of the meaning behind them. I know you'll find a way to make it work, though. ;)

Hope to see more!

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Well, I figure it's about

Well, I figure it's about time I did some actual writing myself, and tonight I had the itch, so here we go: My submission for the Suran Tradehouse. I expect the same level of criticism from you guys that I've been giving to you! :)

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@Denevir Thanks for taking

@Denevir Thanks for taking the time to write all of that for us! Much appreciated :)

Just wondering why you directed me to The Armorer's Challenge and Sirollus Saccus...while it was certainly most interesting, I don't remember being signed up for the cell with Saccus in it? :) EDIT: I believe Krysanne is in charge of this garrison :)

But thanks again :D

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Easy day on the changes and

@justafan: Easy day on the changes and again, thank you for the feedback.  I didn't realize about the programming as I've only done some very basic script writing in C# and papyrus.  I should be able to fix that no problem.  I'll also work on the khajiit/argonian exchange ... having issues with my first drafts of those races more than any other it seems.  It's just so bleeding awkward.  

@Denevir Many thanks to you as well.  I actually just found the websites you recommended while I was writing the most recent set of scripting.  It's actually where I found the translations.  Here is the direct link to the dictionary http://www.imperial-library.info/content/translation-dictionary.  I didn't even think about the book.  Thank you!  I've give it a look.  It will help me with some of the rewrite I'm doing.

@Aurabelle ^_^  Thank you for the compliment and pushing the book to me.  I wouldn't have even noticed if you hadn't and it'll definitely be a help.

Thank you again everybody.  I really appreciate the added knowledge.  I'll try and get some more done and posted this weekend ... well, by Monday ^_^.  Have a great and safe weekend.

Cheers!

Krys

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This is all I have so far for

(Removed)

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I've downloaded it, but I'm

I've downloaded it, but I'm afraid I've (once again) lost my mind and it has decided it's better off without me.  *sigh*  I will take another look at it in the morning and get you some feedback as soon as I can if no one else gets back with you before I can.  Have a great rest of your day/evening (world local dependent ^_^) and happy writing.

Cheers!

Krys

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Here is the first draft for

Here is the first draft for Hla Oad. The focus is on the two areas with multiple NPCs: the exterior and Fatleg's Dropoff. The goal is mainly to tell several little stories that a player interested in the character of the area might want to hear. I have not created any lines for the characters that were originally alone in the shacks.

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Hi all, this is how the

Hi all, this is how the Telvanni Council House is looking right now. What do you think? :)

I didn't write any dialogue between Mouths, since I thought they will just be standing on their platforms and never run into each other.

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Wow, twentyenginerunner and

Wow, twentyenginerunner and Willowisp, these kinds of lines are EXACTLY what we're looking for! They're short, plentiful, and well-written. And you've stayed quite true to the personalities of the characters as well, which is also a plus. I really hope you guys can stay with us and continue writing for more cells! MattMacob, nice start! I hope to see more from you, too!

That being said, I do of course have to point a few minor things, as I always do.

Twentyenginerunner, I love your dialog. It is succinct and sums up people's personalities quite well. There is one scene, though, between Dalam and Llemisa, that bothers me. Dalam starts out the conversation by lamenting the fact that there are outlanders helping them out, but when Llemisa agrees, Dalam all of a sudden does a 180 and begins to argue for the importance of having these outlanders in the operation. It would be nice if you could find a way to rework the conversation to still convey the same ideas without this minor confusion.

Willowisp, I am quite impressed. You certainly dished this out quickly, and it's some really high quality stuff. I like that you also included individual mumblings, too, which really add to the environment. You know, to be honest, I'm having trouble finding any criticisms for what you've written so far. I haven't spotted any character inconsistencies, or grammatical issues, or anything of the sort. I think my only request might be to write a few extra exchanges. I saw your reasoning for not including dialog between the mouths, but I think that it might be nice to actually add that in. True, they will all be standing on their podiums, but they are in the same room, and it wouldn't be unheard of for a few that are next to each other to have a short exchange. Considering the differences of all their masters, I would assume the mouths have their share of differences too, and might even have hushed bickering between themselves when they think nobody is listening. Just some food for thought.

MattMacob, your writing is nice from what I've seen so far, but there are some major issues that need to be addressed. First of all, and this is the more minor one, make sure that you're watching your grammar when you write, because an NPC that's tripping up on their words is usually the easiest way to break the immersion of a player. Also, making sure these mistakes aren't present makes the lives of our voice actors much easier. For instance, look at Dulnea's mispelling of "council" as "cousil," or Alvis's mispelling of "voices" as "vioces." Although this may seem like a minor concern, you never know; a voice actor may not know what you meant to say and actually read it as "cousil."

The other concern I had with your writing is that a lot of what characters are saying doesn't really make sense in the context of their personalities, or of the conversation they are currently engaged in. In the exchange between Itermerel and Alvis, neither of the two are saying things in accordance with their character. Itermerel is a mage and scholar who clearly isn't planning to stay at the Eight Plates for long, as one of the player's earlier missions involves escorting him somewhere else. The idea of him, a somewhat haughty Mages guild member, talking in such an inferior manner to Alvis seems out of place. Alvis' dialog in this scene seems even stranger. According to the Founder's Helm quest and the way Alvis talks to the player, he's a genuinely terrible person. He's blunt, he's mean, and he's pretty stupid. And he probably doesn't give a damn about Balmora's honor, either. He stole this helmet, and wearing it isn't honoring anyone. He's just proud of his accomplishment in stealing it. Alvis may be a guard, but that doesn't mean he's a good one. So the fact that he would be so meek and insist on wearing it for any honorable purpose at all doesn't really make any sense.

I feel similarly about the exchange between Alvis and Traven. Again Alvis is a pretty cruddy guard, corrupt and stupid, but that's not really what bothers me about this scene. Traven is trying to get Alvis to investigate into these voices, but Alvis replies with a quote of Vvardenfell law that, to be honest, makes no sense in the context of the request. All that quote does is list the punishments for various crimes, which has nothing to do with Traven's request. And yet Traven goes on through the conversation acting as if that quote was a rebuttal, which it really wasn't. If I were you, I'd take out the quote entirely, as it doesn't really achieve it's intended purpose at all and would only confuse the player.

So, don't get me wrong, Matt. Your writing is good, and I don't mean to scare you off. What you have so far definitely needs to be rewritten, but that's normal for most people who are just starting to write. It takes a while to get a feel for script-writing, especially when you're writing for a bizarre fantasy-world where characters may not always act the way you'd expect them to. I would recommend that you take some time and really practice, and when you've got some fresh lines you're happy with, send them our way and we'll be happy to go over them with you.

Thanks, everyone! Your contributions are greatly valued, as always!

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First of all, I would like to

First of all, I would like to thank you for the constructive criticism. This is the best feed back I've ever gotten from just attempting to do writing for any website. Anyway, as you can tell, yes, I am young and I have just begun writing on my own time, so excuse my mistakes; as of right now, there will be many. I hope to change that fact after writing more often, but for right now, I have two questions:

1. How can a character's mood be read if they do not have their own personal dialog or missions directly related to them?

2. Is there a certain way that you would like these scripts to be formatted? I see that many people are using Excel or Word, but even those have many variations. 

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Hey Matt, thanks for

Hey Matt, thanks for understanding! When I'm writing for characters, here's how I usually try to decipher their personalities. First, I look at quests, much like you have already done. If I see they are linked to a quest, I follow the link to that quest and try to find out EXACTLY how the NPC is involved. In Alvis' case, I clicked on the link for the "Founder's Helm" mission, and discovered that Alvis stole the helm from House Redoran. Already, that tells me that he is a rather shifty person who is more than willing to break the law if it suits his needs. The second thing I check is any samples of the NPC's original dialog that I can find. On the UESP guide, most NPC pages usually include a short list of quotes, which can really give you a feel for how they speak and react to situations. Going back to Alvis, I saw that some of his lines included, "I stole it fair and square" and "Fine. Take the stupid helm. But you're a momma's boy and so is your stupid Founder." Clearly, this guy is not the brightest, nor the most honorable. Now, these two things take highest priority.

But there are a few more things you can look at if you can't find examples of these and are desperate for information. The four pieces of information I use as a last resort are the NPC's race, class, guild affiliation and location:

An NPC's race can often give crucial insights into their character, as many tend to come with their own stereotypes. High Elves tend to be haughty and judgmental, Nords are usually boisterous, loud, and focused on honor, Imperials often are very persuasive and in some cases manipulative, etc. If you have any questions about other racial stereotypes, feel free to ask.

An NPC's class can very often dictate their personality, too. If you see an NPC on the wiki who is listed as a certain class, say, "barbarian," you can click on that class name to learn all about the traits and general personalities of people of that class. This can really help you come up with good conversation topics, too, if you're stumped for ideas. The conversation I wrote between Jaime and Ashumanu of the Suran Tradehouse, for instance, revolves around the idea that Jaime is the Crusader class, which means that she hunts monsters and evil things in the name of justice and purity.

Guild affiliation can be another big one, too. If the UESP shows that a character is a member of the Mages Guild, it means that they place a strong emphasis on magic, and would place value in learning and discipline (for the most part).

Lastly, if you really can't find anything else, just go by their location. If the cell you're writing for is a Telvanni tower, the people there are probably going to be studious, but perhaps a little on the eccentric side as well. If you're writing for a bar like the Eight Plates, there will probably be more "common folk" there, who are less well educated, and there will probably be some real scumbags there, too.

Now remember, these last four are a LAST RESORT.  Quest affiliation and original quotes should be your primary material for writing an NPC's dialog, because these two are UNDENIABLE facets of an NPC's personality. These are the things that these specific individuals actually did. All the other traits (race, class, etc.) are based on broad generalizations, that a specific NPC might not necessarily adhere too. Take Alvis, again. If we were writing only going by his guild affiliation, which is a guard, he would seem honorable and willing to uphold the law. But when we look at his actual actions and original dialog in the game, we can clearly see that this is not the case.

If worst comes to worst, a little bit of creative embellishment never hurts. Just don't go too overboard with it. :) I hope this helps!

 

Now, on to your other question. You really don't have to format these things any specific way. Eventually, we'll be putting all of these on one big document, but until then, just format your dialog however is most comfortable for you. As long as we can read it, anything's fine.

I look forward to seeing your progress! Just let me know if you have any more questions.

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@ Justafan: Thanks! Though I

@ Justafan: Thanks! Though I have to admit I wrote most of it before even applying, just so I don't slack off with my first assignment. ;)

Also, I actually agree with you about the Mouths. So I wrote some dialogue for the ones that stand next to each other. It's added to the doc file below. I hope you like it!

EDIT: Added what I got for the Sadrith Mora exterior. The market's pretty empty apart from the merchants, but I think that with Skywind's AI packages there'll be some actual passersby for them to shout their sales pitches at. :)

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ATTENTION ALL WRITERS! PLEASE

ATTENTION ALL WRITERS! PLEASE READ! SUPER IMPORTANT! READ THIS! I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH! READ! READ! READ!


Okay, so. Real talk time. I've just updated the signup sheet to show people's actual progress on the things they've signed up for. "Complete" means that they've submitted their work, and it has at least passed an initial review. It doesn't have to be absolutely perfect, as it will go through one last phase of editing far in the future, but it is generally accepted as decent dialog. "In Progress" means that the writing definitely still needs some reviewing and proofreading, but at the very least an initial draft has been submitted to show that it is being worked on. "Incomplete" means that I still haven't seen any trace of it.

Now, I suggest that you take a look at that new signup sheet. Just follow the link at the top of this thread. My oh my, that's a lot of red. A lot of people who have signed up for responsibilities that they haven't taken seriously. Most of the people who are reading this aren't to blame. Aurabelle, Krys, all you new guys, you're doing great. But if there's one thing that this recategorization has shown me, it's that we need to do some cleaning out. Without further ado, I introduce to you:


THE "NOT DEAD" CHECK-IN

This is a tool for me to see who is actually still invested in this project. I've categorized all my authors into three sections, "Regulars," "No-Shows," and "The Lost." The regulars are the writers i see almost every day as of right now, who I'm not to concerned about. Those in "The Lost" category are those who did some initial correspondence, but haven't shown their faces since. These are possibly the authors I'm most concerned about. The "No-Shows" are those who signed up but never got in touch at all. Chances are, they'll stay that way.

If you're a regular, you don't need to worry about the following instructions. Just keep doing what you're doing. If you are in either of the other two categories, however, YOU MUST send me a PM (yes, a PM, not a thread post) telling me that you're still alive and writing. We've reached a point in this project where you NEED to be doing SOMETHING. Tests or no tests, homework or no homework, you need to be making at least some effort to hold up your end of the bargain, however little. If I do not receive this message within 3 days, you lose your claim. If you still have half-finished writing on the table and have since dropped off communication, that writing will either be removed or finished by someone else. Please don't take offense if you find yourself on either of the latter two lists. This is a crucial process to ensure that our signup sheet isn't clogged by nonexistent writers and to keep the creative process running smoothly.

Now, the list:

Regulars:

Aurabelle, Krysalynne, MattMacob, Willowisp, Smitehammer, Twentyenginerunner, Michaelstao, Yours Truly, Seifross2010, Sputnick, Electricwestern, Jakepravoo

The Lost:

MrBleuGames, ppm4fy, 3quency, Ruckus1995, Theimmortalmoo

No-Shows:

Atticusdragon, Wulfy213, Salem Hollows, Orc-Schmork, Balthazar21, Kienai

Lost, and No-Shows, send me a PM within THREE DAYS to show me that you're still involved in this process, or your name will be removed from the signup sheet/this project. And don't worry, you're not in trouble. This is just the tool I'm using to make sure I know who's still with us and who isn't. There's a very good chance that some of you listed under "No-Shows" will have been here the whole time, and just quiet, which is okay. No hard feelings, but think of this as a Spring Cleaning for the writers.

Seifross2010
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Hey guys,

Hey guys,

Finally home and at a PC, so I can get down to it. I'm working on some solo lines for characters ATM (which hopefully I'll submit later tonight), but I had a quick question - In Moonmoth, there aren't any two characters near enough to each other to speak without realistically having to shout. Should I just give them all solo lines, or just write up some conversations between the characters that stand close-ish, to be safe? That's the plan at the moment, but if it's unnecessary I'd like to skip it, so I can focus on the things that matter more. 

Cheers.

 

EDIT: Just thought I should ask here (sorry if this has been covered, I didn't find it) - Are we writing player greetings as well? For instance, if I have a character say "Would you like to buy some potions?" (for example), is that alright, or is this entirely for banter? 

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Hey Seifross! Good to hear

Hey Seifross! Good to hear from you.

Solo lines are great, regardless of where the NPCs are :). If you could write a couple of conversations between those characters who are relatively close to each other (as I would assume the developers will probably want to make these kinds of areas less static than the originals!), that would be fabulous! 

In regards to player greetings, no, these are not necessary. I think these were done earlier in development, so we don't have to worry! So just idle banter, nothing to do with the player. 

Hope this helps, and happy writing! :)

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Yo, thanks loads Aurabelle,

Yo, thanks loads Aurabelle, that clears a lot up! :D 

I didn't get enough done tonight to bother submitting a draft, so I'll have to make sure I get it in ASAP.

Cheers!

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I apologize for my lack of

I apologize for my lack of progress, as of late I hardly have time to near a computer, let alone write anything. Finals, papers, projects etc. I will have something by early June. I apologize for the delay.

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Seifross, Yours Truly, great

Seifross, Yours Truly, great to see you're still with us!  The list has been updated accordingly.

Willowisp, sorry I've been so late in reviewing your latest submission. I really like the lines you've added for the mouths. That's exactly the kind of stuff I was looking for! Your "miscellaneous" lines are very good, too. Yes, there should be at least a few people actually passing by, so you don't have to worry about that. My only recommendation for these would actually be to replace a lot of your exclamation points with periods in the advertising lines of the stallkeepers, or find a way to mellow out what they say a bit. The reason for this is because while there will be passer-bys, there won't be that many. The kinds of exclamations your shopkeepers are using right now to show off their products is the kind of thing one does in a bustling metropolis to be heard over the din. Sadrith Mora is really not all that big a city, and with not very many other people on the streets, shouting the value of your wares to the heavens just looks silly. The vendors can afford to be a lot calmer when they try to attract customers, as a result. So, it's a pretty easy fix, just a change of punctuation. The reason I'm emphasizing this so much is because it will greatly affect the way that voice actors read these lines. And I feel like vendors shouting to a nearly empty street would seem a little...wierd. Other than that, it's looking great, and I happily invite you to start on your next cell if you haven't already!

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Here is Skenk's Shovel in

Here is Skenk's Shovel in Caldera. Only three NPCs there, so this is pretty short. I will have Suran Slave Market done by tomorrow (or, technically, later today)

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@ Justafan: Good point. I

@ Justafan: Good point. I guess I was trying to distinguish between sales pitch and idle mumbling, but it's probably clear enough without all that shouting. Revised version below.

BTW, I noticed that Gateway Inn's not on the signup sheet (or is it part the "misc"?), but in any case, I'm doing that and Fara's Hole in the Wall next. :)

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Alright! High time I got the

Alright! High time I got the Dren Plantation stuff out, apologies for the delay. Definitely more people than I thought originally.

Feedback is more than welcome. Most of the guards don't have much, as I thought they would be focused on their job rather than muttering to themselves :P . 

Enjoy!

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THANK YOU ALL!


THANK YOU ALL!

For your great advice and input. Have updated these and am working on the next ones and hope to have two more done by tomorrow.

Aurabelle
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@ Denevir: Oh my, I did not

@ Denevir: Oh my, I did not even click! I did realize his name was like the armour, and I was like, hmm, okay, that's a bit odd. All the rest of it though--wow! I'll see if we can't work something in there :)

Thank you! :D

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@Denevir, Omg, Gah Julan is
@Denevir, Omg, Gah Julan is totally a bad guy, bet he got sent to persuade Tul to take out Sterdecan, in exchange for almost freedom at Dren's crib :P
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You're probably right. Very
You're probably right. Very 1984-ish, which makes it all the creepier. Dren is watching you... :P
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You're probably right. Very
Double post, whoops.
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Updates ^_^ ... Good day

Updates ^_^ ... Good day/evening everyone.  Been looking in, but haven't had a lot to post ... writer's block.  I've attached the rewrites for several of the cells everyone's been kind enough to read over for me already, so they're ready for a refresh.  Also, please note, I do have my notes in the Imperial Chapels section and the Imperial Garrison section, but none of this is actually for review.  I've been making quest notes and just trying to get thoughts in order so I can finish this up and get it through to everyone.

As usual, thoughts, comments, suggestions, the works are HUGELY appreciated.

Justafan, I've started chopping up some of the longer stuff into shorter quips, but there are still a couple that are ... long~ish ... four lines with one (maybe two) that are five lines.  I'm hearing these tracked in a slightly quick response between characters though, so I'm hearing them no more than 15 - 20 seconds to listen to.  I know different people read different speeds though, so let me know if they still need trimming.  I'll do some more rewrites, no problem.

Thank you everyone and have a wonderful rest of your day and week!

Cheers!

Krys

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-Justafan

-Justafan

Sorry I've been on vacation, will try to get back to writing soon. :) Didn't mean to disappear.

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-Justafan

-Justafan

Sorry I've been on vacation, will try to get back to writing soon. :) Didn't mean to disappear.

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Oh, what a wonderful feeling

Oh, what a wonderful feeling it is to revisit the thread after a day and see all these lovely updates! Glad to see so many people back on board! 

Twentyengine, I really like your lines for Skenk's Shovel! They're pretty solid, and I don't have too many recommendations to make them better. The only thing I would advise is that you change one of Skenk's lined from "especially native Dark Elves" to "especially the natives." In the predominantly-dunmer island of Vvardenfell, specifying the native inhabitants as dunmer is a little redundant. Plus, just saying "the natives" gives a greater sense of familiarity with the people there, and just rolls off the tongue better in general. Beyond that, though, it's looking great, and I invite you to start work on your next cell!

Willowisp, the update looks good! I am kicking myself right now, however, because there's something I COMPLETELY forgot to mention to you last time, concerning some of Brallion's lines. You depict him as deliberately malicious towards the slaves, and it gives him the impression of holding some sort of grudge against them. The way you have him constantly taunting and mocking them implies that he does his job just for the sake of making Argonians and Khajiits miserable. That's the kind of thing that slavers at the Dren Plantation would do, deliberately demeaning and demoralizing their prisoners, but Brallion isn't really that kind of slaver. He's a slave merchant, pawning off the products after they've already been "broken in" by slavers. His disposition, as a result, would be something more like ambivalence and willful ignorance towards the concerns of his prisoners, rather than spite. He would treat them like animals, and not so much refute their very real emotions but instead refuse to acknowledge them. Think stupid, not evil. Now, this is just my opinion, and you're welcome to change Brallion's lines or leave them as you so desire. Just thought I'd give my two cents there. :)

Also, in regards to missing the Gateway Inn, I can't say I'm too surprised. I made that list myself, and I knew that there would doubtless be some places that I missed, having nothing but the UESP as my guide. Thanks for catching that mistake, though! I'll even go ahead and add that to the signup sheet!

Aurabelle, wow. Amazing work, as always! I'm glad to see you and Denevir are getting along swimmingly . I would definitely heed his advice, the guy knows what he's talking about. In terms of writing style, however, you've got it down! I especially like the dialog you've given to the orcs, you've captured their essence very well. Honestly, I'm happy to leave it at that. You've passed my review without a single criticism, which is quite a feat!

Michaelstao, glad to see you're making progress! I would have a few pieces of advice for this round of review, though. The first has to do with your solo lines, when the NPCs are muttering to themselves. I like what you're trying to do with making them sound more like natural thoughts, but you're putting in too many pauses. Let me try to create an example. Imagine you had a generic NPC, and you wanted him to convey something like, "Some day, when I'm older, I would like to join the Blades. But would they have someone as humble and lowborn as I?" Now, as we went over before, this sounds far too stiff and awkward to be a natural thought. But how do we fix this? At the moment, this is how you're conveying a thought like this: "Someday...when I'm older...join the Blades...but would they want me? ...Too lowborn..." Now, the issue with this is that, while it does make it sound more like a thought, it also slows down the pace of the thought so much that it feels like the NPC is struggling to even comprehend it. Rather than putting several "..."s throughout the thought, it sounds much more natural if you use fragments instead. This is the way that I would frame the thought: "Maybe I'll join the blades someday. But still... I'm so low-born." This still conveys the full message, but in a much more concise way by omitting some of the more flowery language. So, basically, it's what you're already doing, but minus all the extended pauses, because that makes the thought sound unnatural. I hope that makes some sense. Why don't you try your hand at that and send me another update, and we can work from there?

Krysalynne, these lines are looking great! They're just the right length now! I'd say you're pretty much good for the lines you've already written now (although one last typo check may be in order ), so I look forward to seeing your progress with the chapel and garrison!

Sputnick, glad you're back! Whenever you're ready, we can get back to work!

Wow, that was a long review list. I'm beat, but in a good way! All this productivity brings a tear to my eye! :')

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@Denevir: Good eyes. That is

@Denevir: Good eyes. That is now fixed.

@Justafan: I like your thoughts about Brallion. To be honest, I was debating with myself if he should chat with his merchandise at all, because that turns unprofessional very fast, but the area needed some two-person dialogue. :P Anyway, I changed his conversations and cut one entirely. It wasn't that necessary or interesting, methinks.

Also, here's what I've got for the Gateway! I might add stuff when I get more ideas; there are quite a few people there. Many lines are conditional and depend on whether the inn is still haunted or not, since that's a pretty prominent topic at the moment. Keep the feedback coming. :)

 

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Willowisp. We may have seats

Willowisp. We may have seats for the mouths in skywind. :P So there may be contradictory with some of your stuff but its really looking good. :) keep up the good work.

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Here are the lines for the

Here are the lines for the Suran Slave Market. This is my first attempt at the dreaded Argonians, so I hope that the resident loremasters can point out any flaws in their speech patterns.

Also, I went a little experimental my creating several short poems for the Argonian slaves to recite. In real-world history, poems and songs have been a very important part of certain slave cultures. I thought that it would not be too farfetched for something similar to exist here.

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Please remove me from the

Please remove me from the remaining sections I signed up for. I will heed your advice for the two in progress and re-submit them shortly. Seems like there is more talent here than I can add too after scanning though some other threads. Thanks everyone else for your valued help and good luck. Be waiting to see your work when game complete. Shout ON!

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Aww man! We'll miss you

Aww man! We'll miss you michaelstao, and thanks for all your work! :)

Quick draft for the Tailors and Dyers Hall, St Olms, Vivec...

EDIT: And a draft for the notorious Council Club in Balmora. It is by no means perfect, and feedback/ideas for this place are very welcome :)

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Willowisp, nice job on the

Willowisp, nice job on the revisions! It's looking really good! As for your new lines, I'm very impressed by them, and I for one would be willing to pass them through inspection as they are now. There's only one line that sounds a little strange to me, which comes from Nalion: "A haunting, in an inn I'm staying in!" That's just a few too many "in"s found in that sentence for my liking. But that's a five-second fix. Aside from that, your writing is impeccable!

Twentyenginerunner, for being so worried about Argonian lines, you handled them pretty well! I didn't notice any slip-ups in their dialect, so you have nothing to worry about there! As for whether dialog can happen between the cells, we can probably make it happen. And if we can, we should include the mutterings anyway. It never hurts to have more! Now, some things for review. I'm not sure if Dranas Sarathram's conversation with Yakov really makes sense. He may wear fancy clothes, but he's a slaver. He has a blatant disregard for the well-being of races other than his own, and as a result, he's probably not going to stoop to debating ethics with his captives. In fact, he'll probably be completely oblivious to their plight, because he really doesn't care. As a result, any conversations that he has with his slaves would most likely be curt and perhaps abrasive, but he certainly  wouldn't feel the need to justify his actions to his own "property." If he would have this debate (which I think definitely SHOULD be included, as it is quite insightful), it should be done in a way that paints Dranas as, I don't know, more uncaring. Now, there's one more thing I wanted to talk about, and this is just for future reference. What you have for your current lines is fine. Your writing is very fluent and well thought-out, and while I mean that as a compliment, I also half-mean it as a criticism. I've noticed that you have a tendency to write for all your characters with very poetic prose, but you should be sure to remember that not all of these characters are necessarily well-educated or strong speakers. All the slaves you've written for, for instance, speak just like Yakov and Dranas in terms of their levels of education, which most slaves wouldn't have. Many of these creatures have been slaves for much of their lives, and as a result, most would not be very literate, and would speak with the dumbed-down language that has been allowed them by their masters. That's not to say that they can't be smart, or that some of them can't be well spoken, but the majority would use simple, often very apologetic language, as a result of their harsh upbringing. That's just an example, though. I guess my point is that sometimes you have to deliberately simplify a character's language in order to convey essential facets of their personality or upbringing.

Oh, also, about the poems, I think the possible implementation of those would be a good question for the higher-ups, such as Smitehammer and our loremaster, Denevir. I'm not really sure if they could fit in the world of Morrowind, so I really can't tell you myself.

Michaelstao, I'm sorry to hear that, but I'm sure you'll find your niche elsewhere! I'm still looking forward to seeing your updated lines, though!

Aurabelle, I continue to be impressed by the quality of your work! There really wasn't much material that needed writing for this cell, and I can't really find anything wrong with what you've written for it, so it gets my seal of approval!

 

 

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A now revised (somewhat)

A now revised (somewhat) draft of the Council Club :)

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Here are the Caldera street

Here are the Caldera street-dwellers, with singular lines for select characters in a few of the shops/houses.

@Justafan

Yeah, I know I have a tendency to write some characters more eloquently than they should be. I figured it made sense with Yakov, since he's Altmer and might not have been a slave all his life (although this is mostly my take on the character, since there is little real information on him). Reading the Argonian conversation again, though, I think I probably overdid it on the adjectives and whatnot. I think you'll find my attached Caldera stuff a bit better in this regard. Regardless, I'll go back over the Suran Slave Market (and probably some of Hla Oad) and address the feedback.

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